Alex Chesbro's Blog

Hey, I’ve Got a Great Idea for a Movie… | May 4, 2009

(Scene opens on a full conference room of  Studio Execs)

Pitch Man:  Ok, so I’ve got this great idea for a new romantic comedy.  I know you’re really hurting for an infusion of that Rom-Com cash.  So we’re going to cast some hot people.  People that are really hot right now.  Matthew McConaughey and that fox Kate Beckinsale.  That should be some sticky action right there.  And to top it off, we’re going to bring in the talent of Gary Oldman and Patricia Arquette.

Studio Exec:  Hmm.  I like what I hear so far.  Those are some big names.  What’s the plot?

PM:  Ok, so Beckinsale is this famous painter, right?  But she’s really independent.  That’s something the women in the audience can relate to, ya know?  Gotta show some strength to these women.  So, right, she’s this talented painter.  Matthew walks into her studio one day and is just so taken with her that he wants to take her out, do all that Rom-Com crap that we all know.  And Beckinsale finds herself falling in love with him.

SE:  Ok, this could be good.  2 big names so far, sturdy plot.  Make it exciting. 

PM:  Right, so.  After a while, Beckinsale gets knocked up.  That throws a real wrench in the psyche of the audience.  Makes them connect with the characters a little more, because, y’know, they’ve gotta work to keep it together, all that good shit.  But there’s something, well, different about Matthew’s character that we just can’t get at.  Something nagging that we don’t get until his father shows up.

SE:  His father?  Would that be Oldman?

PM:  Correct.  Oldman walks in one day, and just surprises the hell outta Beckinsale.

SE:  Wait.  How can a father just show up and surprise someone that much?

PM:  Wait for it.  Matthew is the only regular-sized person in a family of dwarves.

SE:  Hold please.  Dwarves?  Like…little people?

PM:  Exactly.  Gary Oldman’s character is a dwarf.  Matthew is his son.  So you can imagine that this wreaks Pearl Harbor-level panic in Beckinsale when she starts to think about how her unborn child might be a dwarf.  So she grows apart from Matthew because she thinks he lied to her, and she starts to rely on Oldman more to come to grips and an understanding about the life her child might lead.  Then everything is Rom-Comish in the end, and it’s all hunky-dory.

SE:  Do we have to cast a dwarf for Oldman?

PM:  No, we’ll just have Oldman on his knees the whole time, and tie his arms behind his back.

SE:  Ah.  Greenlight that for a DVD.



And so it goes…for the upcoming movie review of an unnamed movie.  Although, I’m sure if you Googled “Gary Oldman, Dwarf,” you’d shit yourself in anticipation.




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