Alex Chesbro's Blog

Talk To My Ass | April 16, 2009

Sometimes there are people in the music business who shouldn’t be:

tpain_mini

You know, “Swangin‘” T-Pain, any rapper with the prefix lil, and Steven Seagal.

Yes, that’s right.  Steven I -Will-Kick-Your-Ass Seagal.  Apparently he has a floundering music career to bolster his drowning acting career.

I decided to check this shit out.  And what I found couldn’t be labelled “bad” in the common sense.  But, I was hungover at that point, so anything would have sounded good.  “Girl it’s Alright” looked to be the big track to watch out for, so I opened the video on his website and prepared myself for some stereophonic homicide.  What I heard, well, it surprised me.  Ever listened to Eric Clapton?  Ever listen to autistic children?  Ever fantasize about awkward-looking Asian women walking seductively through your Dojo?

Steven Seagal has.  And does.

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What I was made to hear was the most white-bread, unimaginative blues rock that has ever been called blues rock, or even blues.  Or rock.  Or music.  Imagine an overweight, talentless guitar player trying to pick out songs on “thousands” of guitars.

Take a look at the pictures, too.  In the ones of him sitting down, there’s a motherfucking GUN next to him.  That says to me, “if you don’t like my music, I’ll kill you.”  Well, kill me then, because I feel like I’m already dead.  Death would be a welcome release from listening to your yellow-fever rock ‘n’ roll.

He got his first guitar at the age of 12 and it took him this long, with apparently unnecessary goading from his mother to “let the world hear his music.”  Thanks mom, now we have to put up with this shit.  So then in 2004, Seagal released his stellar freshman album, “Songs from the Crystal Cave.” Wait a hot second.  Crystal Cave?  I remember that from somewhere.  Oh yes!  It was a video game! I was fuckin’ amazing at that game.  How dare he try to steal the semi-innocent parts of my childhood.

Now he’s got a new release out, and it’s “critically acclaimed.”  I’m sure what he means to say on his website is that “critics have talked about it,” and “not favorably.”  The title of the disc is “Mojo Priest.”  Asians have lost their mojo, and it’s up to the Mojo Priest, Steven Seagal, to get it back to them.  Anyway, the track listing is a joke in itself.  We have “Love Doctor,” followed by “Alligator Ass.”  Drop by the “BBQ,” and take the “Slow Boat to China,” only to “Dust My Broom,” while Seagal reminds you “My Time is Numbered.”  And please, “Talk to my Ass.”  

Yes.  There is a track titled “Talk to my Ass.”  Why?  Because that’s where Seagal talks out of.  Therefore it’s only logical that we should reply to where we hear sounds coming from.  Please, Steve, waddle your chins back to the D-List Celebrity Ladder, ok?  Please?  If you don’t do it for me, consider doing it for Music.  She’s taking a beating these days.

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1 Comment »

  1. I’ve seen some clips of Seagal playing on youtube. He’s a bit out of touch-that’s for sure.

    Comment by Nobu — April 26, 2009 @ 1:03 pm


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