Alex Chesbro's Blog

Easter Weekend | April 13, 2009

Took a charter flight to London.  Landed at Heathrow.  Took a cab to the city center. Don’t let people lie to you; hostels are for the ugly.  I’m staying in Home House, the most beautiful hotel in the world.  Called a friend from school who was selling hash, but she wasn’t in.  Met a couple of Brits who want to take me to, of all places, American Street.  I flirted a bit at the Virgin megastore, buy some CDs, then followed some girls with pink hair.  I take one girl in the place, and we dry hump on the dance floor.  We cab it back to Home House, I strip her clothes off, I suck her toes, we fuck.  I hung out for 4 or 5 days.  Met the world’s biggest DJ, Paul Oakenfeld.  Kept missing the Changing of the Guard.  Wrote my mom a postcard that I never sent.  Bought some hash from an Italian junkie who was trying to sell me a stolen bike.  Smoked a lot of hash that had too much tobacco in it.  Saw the Tate.  Saw Big Ben.  Ate a lot of weird English food.  It rained alot, it was expensive, and I’m jonesing….

So, I split for Amsterdam.  The Dutch all know English, so I didn’t have to speak any Dutch.  I cruise the Red Light District.  Visit a sex show.  Visit a sex museum.  Smoke a lot of hash.  I met a Dutch TV actress, and we drank absinthe in a bar named Absinthe.  The museums were ok, I guess.  Lots of Van Goghs, and the Vermeers were intense.  Wandered around.  Bought a lot of pastries, ate some intense waffles.  Bought some coke and went to the Red Light District.  I found some blonde with big tits that reminded me or Lara.  I gave her a hundred Euros.  In the end, she pulls me out, and I come on her tits, even though I’m wearing a rubber.  Afterwards, we make small talk about AIDS, her Moroccan pimp, and herself.  I wake to the sound of a wino singing.  It’s 8am and hot as blazes….

I wander the Champs Elysees.  Climb the Eiffel Tower for only 7 Euros.  Get the hang of the Metro, took it everywhere.  Went to a Ford model party and hooked up with a Romanian model named Karina.  She chugs my cock at the Marriot Champs-Elysees, which is good.  We played billiards, went shopping.  I think she gave me mono.  Drove a Ferrari that belonged to a member of the Saudi Royal Family.  Made out with a Dutch model in front of the Louvre.  Saw the Arch de Triomphe and almost became road-kill crossing the street…

“Oakie” invites me to Dublin, so I catch an Aer Lingus flight and stay at the Morrison.  Dublin rocks like you can’t imagine.  Oakenfold lets me spin some discs with him.  Irish girls are as small as leprechauns.  I swap hickies with a drunk woman.  After groping me, she strips for me in the bathroom of the club.  Sneak into the Guinness Factory and steal some stout that’s so good it makes my dick go hard…

I fly to Barcelona, which was a low-rent bust.  Too many fat American tourists.  Too many lame meat markets.  I dropped acid at the Sagrada Familia.  Which was a trip to say the least.  Cruise up the coast to Museo Gala Dali, but had no more acid.  Sucked.  Some girl from American called me on my cell, so I let her listen to the church bells.  Canta Cruz is beautiful, but there’s no girls here, just old hippies…

So, I went to Switzerland, where I, ironically, couldn’t find anyone that could give me the time.  Took the Glacier Express up to the Schildthorn, which is beautiful in a way I can’t describe…

Euro Pass into Italy and end up in Venice, where I meet a hot girl; looks like Rachel Leigh Cook.  Speaks better English than I do.  She’s living for a year on only 5 Euros a day.  We Gondola around, buy some masks. She thinks I’m a Capitalist, but my hotel room costs more than her entire trip.  But she doesn’t mind when I pay the bills.  I ditch her and hook up with a couple who obviously want a 3some.  Too much tension there, but the doofus offers to drive me to Rome, and offer I jump at.  Traffic is bad, and we’re stopped for hours without moving.  The wife turns out to be a freak.  The guy starts to wig out on me. It’s like a Polanski film…

We stop for a while in Florence, where I see some big dome.  A bomb goes off, and I lose the weird couple, which is probable for the better.  

Ended up in Rome, which is big and hot and dirty.  It was just like LA, but with ruins.  I went to the Vatican, which is ridiculously opulent.  Stood for 2 hours to get into the Sistine Chapel, which, now that it’s been cleaned, looks fake.  I meet 2 underage Italian girls who I try to talk into fucking each other while I jack off onto them.  Bored, I buy them some ice cream instead.  My hotel has a gym, so I work out.  I run into some guy from American who says he knows me.  I’m sure that he’s a fag, so I lose him.  I try to fart and instead shit my pants.  Back into my hotel room, I masturbate and have a pain in my groin.  That night, I dream about a beautiful woman, stretching her lean body.  She asks me if I like it and I tell her she can clean fish with it.  I don’t know what that means, but I wake well-rested, masturbate in the shower, and check out…

I make my way back to London and hang out in Picadilly Circus.  Hmm.  Palakon.  I swap shirts with some upper-crusty Cambridge chick.  Hers was an Agnes B., mine a Costume Nationale.  She acts stuffy and prudish, but underneath, she’s really wild.  The next day, I drop some acid and get lost in the subway for a full day and can’t find my way out.  I meet a cute girl who lets me jack off onto her as long as I don’t get cum on her coat.  We get stoned while listening to her Michael Jackson albums.  The next morning, I wake up talking to my self.  I have a big bump on my head from flailing in my sleep.  I get my stuff and barely make my plane back to the US…

I no longer know who I am and feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

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3 Comments »

  1. reads like a great easter. sorry for no caps and lousy punctuation, btw 😉

    Comment by pseudo — April 23, 2009 @ 7:58 pm

  2. Hah. Free Schlitz six-pack if you (or anyone) know the book it’s from.

    Comment by alexchesbro — April 24, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

  3. now if the rules of attraction have not worked out during easter, maybe i should buy you some beers 🙂

    Comment by pseudo — April 24, 2009 @ 2:30 pm


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