Alex Chesbro's Blog

Free Hugs. | April 2, 2009

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Oh gawd.  I can’t.  

Ok.  I did this for journalistic integrity.  You know, to get culture and all that.  I wanted to feel what those tweens were creaming their pants over.  I wanted to feel what Ms. Stephanie Meyer wanted me to feel.  Most of all, I wanted R. Patz to look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me.  That last part never happened, so maybe that’s why I feel a little dead inside today.  Or maybe it’s because this movie caused a part of me to join my ancestors in the great clusterfuck of the beyond.  

I wish I could give a straight review of this.  But I can’t.  I don’t remember it.  I remember maybe 4 lines of the whole movie, so that’s why I’m in IMDB right now, seeing what I missed.  And actually…not much.  I started out watching it in my 24-year-old-male shoes, and it sucked.  Then I tried to put myself in the shoes of a 13 year-old-outcast (outkast!) girl, longing-for-nothing-else-but-that-cute-guy-at-the-next-lunch-table-to-look-at-her-or-she’s-going-to-cut herself.  Now, a few beers makes anything tolerable.  The half of bottle of wine that I had plowed through in preparation for this masterpiece was really affecting me.  I started to….like this movie.  But not like it, like it.  I came to understand it.  Why, you ask?  I’ve heard the books are written a certain way, and I’m going to bet my left nut that 70% of the script was lifted from the book.  There’s just no way a screenwriter would commit self-sacrifice like that.

Anyfuckingway.  If you’re a 14 year old girl, you want to hear things like “zomg, you’re so pretty.  you’re like the shiny new toy at school.”  Well, that’s in the movie.  Or how about this:  Edward: “Are you afraid?”  Dumbella: “I’m only afraid of losing you.”  Yeah, well, I almost lost some good Rioja at that point.  About 3/4 of the way through that bottle of Spanish Seduction, there was this line…Edward talking about Bella’s, well, scent.  Bitch smells so good, he said this:  “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.”  Oh yeah?  Last time I checked, once you got on the horse, you rode it all day.  Junkies don’t let that shit sit for long.  Especially if they’ve got some Couture Smack.  Gimmie a break.  Every time R. Patz speaks, a tween busts a nut.  Every time he talks about that Swallow smelling incredibly good, my mind goes to its happy place.  I close my eyes, and all I can see are the oiled bodies of Rammstein in “Du Riechst so gut,”   *Sniff Sniff*

And let me address this whole vampire-as-being-allegory-for-sexual-tension thing.  If I don’t see tits in the next movie, I will request my money back.  I guess it’s good if you want something so bad, but restrain yourself.  Me, if she smelled that good, I’d go to the all-you-can-eat-Bella-cafe.  Fuck that shit.  If this follows typical abstinence-based sexual progress, this is what we’re going to see.  I believe there’s 4 books.  1.)E+B kiss and make out (done and done) 2)some heavy petting 3)hardcore 4)B pops out a kid, but swears she isn’t having sex.  It’ll turn out kinda like Bristol Palin’s life.  

Oh gawd, can I stop now?  I can’t even remember enough to write about this.  I put myself in their shoes, and now all I want is to put myself in the shoes of one of those birds that quit this bitch on the Hudson Plane Crash.  They’re the real heroes, because they didn’t have to see this.

Final Grade: Depends on who you are.  Tween: A   Dude:  C(chick is still good looking)  Lonely guy over 40: A+

Fail?  Not quite.  But close.  Facepalm, maybe.

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